Words Matter – To Those We Communicate With (Part 2 of 3)
By Terre Short
I teasingly tell people that I left Maryland for California in my early twenties because of the “shoulds.” Perhaps it was where I lived in MD, where I went to school, or my age – possibly a combination of all three, but I sure heard a ton of things I should or should not do. “I shouldn’t wear white after Labor Day. I should put my napkin in my lap. My socks should match my pants.” (Or maybe it was my shoes?) The “shoulds” built up in my head until they became a trigger for doing the opposite. This has not always been helpful.
To me, the use of the word should implies that someone else owns the outcome, and/or makes the decisions. It sparks curiosity about why something should be done, and the value of following through with the “should do”. This might be where the rub is for me. Is it a suggestion or a rule? This is particularly tricky in the work place.
When someone offers “should” to a co-worker, it may be taken as a directive and the why may be lost if not covered intentionally. “You should get that report out by the end of the week.” This statement begs an understanding of why – what is the reasoning, what is the impact, who determined this timing?
“Should” is the tip of the iceberg of words with underlying meanings. As outlined in my experience above, some words are triggers for others. There may be no way of knowing such triggers. In which case, it is best to speak from your heart and with clear intention. What do you desire to impart to the other person? What do you know about them that may influence your word choices?
There is so much to consider that we created two full courses related to the words we choose for others. We engaged experts on grief, gender identity, diversity and inclusion, substance addiction, and leaned on the research with my book to provide comprehensive lessons.
I never intentionally choose words to hurt or trigger someone, though I know it happens. This is borne out of my inherent biases, my blinds spots, and sometimes my lack of consideration for the information available to me. Tom Kenyon states, “We’re creating the world by how we speak to each other.” I believe this is true and this leads me to take responsibility for my role. Doing so informs a path of continuous learning and maintaining a position of curiosity. What will you learn about yourself and others that supports how the world is created?
