Handling Alleged Difficult Conversations
By Terre Short
What makes a conversation difficult? Perhaps more accurately, who makes a conversation seem difficult? Rarely does a week go by without me hearing about a pending “difficult” conversation a client will have. The quotations are intentional as I find there are degrees of difficulty as well as varying definitions of “difficult.” Sometimes assigning the adjective “difficult” is a reflex or conditioned. I believe there are three components that potentially constitute a degree of difficulty. They are:
- A person – someone who is perceived as negative, defensive, combative, or simply unpleasant to speak with.
- Content – sometimes the message itself is awkward or uncomfortable. Think of personal hygiene, downsizing, or re-org conversations.
- Assumptions – the mental models one holds about a person or situation, that include assumptions and potentially limiting beliefs.
- D – a trifecta, all of the above!
It is likely that you have encountered each of these components and a possible combination of them. Regardless of which one is attributed to a heightened sense of angst in a given conversation, I contend that there is only one factor that controls the actual degree of difficulty – YOU.
Yes, you. You can reduce or increase the degree of difficulty. Before I embark on the work to reduce or eliminate any perceived discomfort around a topic, I ask myself these questions:
- What is at risk if I do not discuss this candidly?
- Who/What will benefit from me having this discussion?
One or both questions reinforce my commitment to doing what is needed to enter the conversation from a positive, proactive place. I recognize the gift that this opportunity is for me. “Difficult” conversations won’t necessarily disappear, more that when you learn to navigate them, you no longer perceive them as challenges.
How do you grow this skill/muscle? Reframing! We’ve offered a Practice the Pause Reframing template in past articles, and you can download it on the Thriving Leader Collaborative website (linked at the bottom!). This tool helps you determine several positives (about the person or situation), what you stand to learn, and therefore how you will respond based on this new information.
Students of Positive Intelligence (PQ) will recognize the alignment of this reframing tool to the three gifts technique. The PQ approach encourages you to identify either increased knowledge, a particular power you will leverage (such as empathy or exploration), or an inspiration you will gain that eclipses the actual challenge. We’ll get to more on Positive Intelligence in future articles.
Either way, your abilities improve once you change your perspective and lean on your innate strengths. In doing so, you diminish the degree of difficulty. Then you are ready to proceed with the four key steps to overcoming any alleged “difficult” conversation:
- Preparation – have your facts in order, and examples at the ready. Use stories, metaphors, and examples to illustrate a point.
- Prepare probing questions – to align your mental model with the other person’s reality. Ask questions that start with what or how that are related to what they value about the issue at hand, what facts they need, what emotion(s) this topic might invoke…etc. (watch for more specifics about navigating mental models in a future article). Allow these questions to set you up to…
- Listen deeply – lean in, paraphrase to check for understanding, and offer, “Tell me more,” to truly learn the other person’s perspective.
- Offer compassion – before and after such a meeting, you might consider engaging in a mindful moment in which you activate the following for yourself and the other person.
-
- May I be happy, May I be healthy, May I be safe, May I be peaceful and at ease.
- May you be happy, May you be healthy, May you be safe, May you be peaceful and at ease.
Whether you are approaching “Negative Nelly,” or about to share details of a RIF, you will benefit from working through a reframing of the conversation. Look inward first. Intentionally follow the four steps of: preparation of details, crafting probing question, listening closely, and offering compassion (to yourself and the other person). You determine and control the degree of difficulty. You get to accept the gift of the conversation.
