How to Make Active Listening Your Superpower

By Terre Short

When you grab your superpower cape, imagine it as the cloak of silence. Silence is essential to active listening. We practice skills such as empathy, patience, compassion, empowerment, and appreciation when we offer silence. When we are provided the space for silence, we can experience calm, centering, gratitude, safety, security, compassion, encouragement, and many other feelings. So, why don’t we have more of it?

We live in a world of constant motion and information exchange. Our pace typically dictates the amount of time we have for silence and active listening. Neither benefit from being rushed. I challenge you to seek times to offer silence and to create more for yourself.

Active listening is vital to communicating effectively. We choose our words better when we listen well. We create relationships by how we listen to each other.  When we listen well to responses, we hear even what is not said, we hear how someone feels. Active listening requires being fully present in the dialogue. The inability to listen well sets up miscommunication and misunderstanding. Here are five key components to active listening.

1. Be Present – Where is your mind? Think about the person with whom you are conversing and really be there, offering silence and creating a safe place for the speaker. Seek to hear his words and understand him, without judgment or preconceptions.
2. Avoid Distractions – Do not look at your phone. Do not text or email or check social media. Do not type while on a call. Turn off all alerts. See No. 1.
3. Consider Word Choice – Choose appropriate words and phrases to use such as – “I hear you.” “I am listening.” “I want to fully understand.” “May I ask a clarifying question?” Never offer “but,” consider “and” instead to extend the thought and connect two thoughts together.
4. Demonstrate you are listening well through actions and words – Periodically paraphrase what you hear. Look the speaker in the eye. Lean in. Provide verbal affirmations such as “I see,” “I understand,” and “Yes.”
5. Do not interrupt – Interrupting is a sure sign you are not actively listening. You are jumping ahead and not giving the speaker the space to choose her words wisely. When you feel the urge to interrupt, offer “Tell me more” instead!

Consider the last conversation you had today. How would you rate yourself on the five components listed above? With practice you will be a level five listener – 5 out of 5 – and ready to engage in conversation compassionately and with deep curiosity.

Once active listening is employed, it is helpful to have a few words or phrases to offer that indicate these four affirming positions:

1. Your non-judgmental curiosity
   1. I am curious about that, please tell me more.
   2. What do you expect the impact to be?
2. Your openness to learn more without the need to understand or relate
   1. That intrigues/fascinates me, please go on…
   2. What more can you tell me about this?
3. Your ability to be compassionate (potentially to a stranger)
   1. How has this impacted you?
   2. I’m sorry to hear that, OR I’m sorry you experienced that.
4. Your acceptance that it is not your job to fix the situation – allow it to unfold as the other needs it to.
   1. I hear you and I am here to support you.
   2. What do you perceive next steps to be?
   3. How can I best support you?

Building deep listening skills takes practice. As you practice the strategies herein, be sure to self-reflect and assess your progress. Which components do you naturally do well and what needs some work? Which of these strategies will reduce the degree of difficulty you perceive in conversing with a particular individual? See previous article: Handling Alleged Difficult Conversations.

Laurie Buchanan reminds us, “When we listen, we hear someone into existence.” I add that deep listening offers us the ability to hear feelings. At this level, listening is a true superpower!