How to Speak with Someone Struggling with Something You Know Nothing About

Everyone struggles with something. There is a pervasive assumption that everyone has been affected by Covid-19, which may lead to a belief that we are all struggling similarly. This is not true. Below we share strategies for connecting with others regardless of your experience with what they are facing.

We rarely know what goes on in the mind of another being. Even the best communicators are challenged to dialogue with someone who is suffering. Fear hampers expression, for someone with something to share, as well as the receiver. In this article, I establish context for how we can uplevel communication skills and provide keywords to help us connect with others in a meaningful way. There are four key actions:

1. Maximize nonverbal cues.
2. Ask questions from a place of humility and curiosity governed by your heart.
3. Offer responses that touch the heart of the other person.
4. Assume nothing.

I lean on experiences with people from all walks of life when I was on the road every week. I never tire of people watching. I find humility in looking at those in line to board or seated near me and knowing that I have no idea what is going on in their lives – what their struggles are. Sometimes if I am in someone’s presence long enough, I can sense there is something just under the surface that is consuming them. Occasionally, I sit next to someone who needs to share their woes.

The skill to communicate with someone struggling is not reserved for interactions with strangers or those you will never encounter again. Co-workers, friends, and family members may also benefit from your expert use of these skills. Even those extremely close to us hold fears, and they experience struggles of which we may not be fully aware. As of late, there is a pervasive assumption that everyone has been affected by Covid-19, which may lead to a belief that we are all struggling similarly. This is not true. The variations on who is affected by what are endless; consider some of the following. Do you identify with any of these? Some people with strong coping skills going into 2020 faced extraordinary circumstances, some had compromised coping skills to begin with, others suffer from addictions and/or mental illness, some have kept stressors that lead to addictive behaviors at bay for years, some believe presenting a polished veneer is required (at home, work, school, with friends), the list is a long as we are unique.

Strategies for improving your active listening skills and Emotional Intelligence can be found in The Words We Choose: Your Guide to How and Why Words Matter, or in recent posts on these topics.  Let’s take a closer look at the four tactics founded in exceptional communication skills for connecting with someone who may be struggling.

1. Maximize nonverbal cues
2. Ask questions from a place of humility and curiosity governed by your heart
3. Offer responses that touch the heart of the other person
4. Assume nothing

This example illustrates these four tactics in action. Joaquin is the Rehab manager at a small hospital. He is always smiling and greets everyone he sees in the halls as he moves around the facility. He knows the name of most employees. He has noticed that Krysta, one of the dietitians, seems upset or at least not as responsive to his greetings as she has been in the past.

1. Maximize nonverbal cues – Nonverbal cues are as important for you to exhibit, as they are for you to observe and evaluate. Nonverbal cues include eye contact, facial expression, voice (tone, pitch, volume), posture, and gestures.

Joaquin should consider the options for speaking to Krysta one-on-one, to allow for the best conditions for her to share her thoughts if she wishes to do so. He is best served by the following nonverbal cues that present him as calm, caring, and open to listening to whatever Krysta has to say. He should refrain from looking or acting shocked, disappointed, angry, confused. Expressions that show concern and compassion are best. He should also watch her nonverbal cues. Does she become more agitated as she speaks, or emotional? What does her tone, volume, and pitch imply? Can he adapt? For example, might he offer for them to sit in a quiet place or take a walk, to put Krysta at ease?

2. Ask questions from a place of humility and curiosity governed by your heart. Questions that begin with “why” can be perceived as judgmental. Avoid them. Craft questions that begin with “what,” ‘how,” or statements that start, “Tell me about…” Check your curiosity, is it based on a need or desire you have, or is it rooted in open exploration of what is important to the other person? Who will your questions serve best? You, or the other person? Craft questions that serve the other over yourself.

If Joaquin chooses to ask questions such as the following, he may have his own interests at the center of the interaction, and/or Krysta may feel judged.

• I noticed you have seemed a bit sad or down when I greet you in the hallway lately. Why is that?
• Why aren’t you as happy as you used to be?

When he chooses questions from a place of pure curiosity and true humility, it may sound like this:

• Krysta, I enjoy seeing you every day. I wonder what brings you joy.
• Krysta, you are such a great contributor at ABC Hospital. What could be better for you?
• Krysta, it is a joy to see you every day. How might I improve your day? Or – I wonder how I might make your day better.
• Krysta, I miss your smiling face. I am here for you, with open ears. How can I help?

These questions or prompts provide the space for Krysta to feel safe. They present Joaquin as supportive, open, and concerned. Krysta is likely to open up to Joaquin.

3. Offer responses that touch the heart of the other person. Less is more. Once someone opens up, some people have a natural tendency to want to help, to provide a personal story they think relates, to move into fixer mode and seek a solution. Resist this urge, particularly when you have no experience with the struggle that is shared. It is best to simply listen, offer questions or statements that suggest it is safe to share even more (to go deeper), and express your support in a way that is meaningful to the other person. Here are ten responses to choose from when you have been told of another person’s struggle. Some of these are wonderful responses for those who are grieving, some also work well in conversation with those on an addiction journey.

1. Tell me more…
2. I am sorry to hear that, please tell me more…
3. I grieve with you as nearly as I can.
4. I am with you at heart.
5. This is a tender time.
6. I am holding you close to my heart.
7. Be gentle with yourself.
8. I support you.
9. I can’t imagine what you are going through, but I am here for you, and I am willing to help you in any way I can.
10. I want the best for you.

4. Assume nothing. Rarely do assumptions serve us well. Assuming you know what someone else is going through will short circuit your connection with them. To connect well with others at work, home, or on the little league sidelines, the only assumption that will serve you is that you know nothing. Choose words that create the space for you to listen without judgment and hear what is in the heart of the other person for their sake over your own. When you embrace this approach, you diminish your fear of saying the wrong thing or not knowing what to say, and your connection to the other person is enhanced. When we connect on this level, everyone benefits.

About the Author:

Terre Short has been a coach in some capacity her entire career. She has more than 30 years of leadership experience, a Masters in Business Administration/Healthcare Management, and is a Professional Coach Certification (PCC). Terre is the author of The Words We Choose: Your Guide to How and Why Words Matter, which was awarded 2020 American BookFest Finalist. She has been interviewed for various mediums including Fast Company and NPR.

About the book and online courses:

The Words We Choose: Your Guide to How and Why Words Matter (Epigraph, 2020, ISBN 978-1-951937-52-2, $19.95) is available at major online book retailers, and directly from Thriving Leader Collaborative. More information on related online courses is available directly from the course page.