Published On: June 22, 2023|4.7 min read|

Learn to Respond Instead of React

By Terre Short

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you felt like you were reacting instead of responding? Maybe you were feeling angry, frustrated, or scared, and you said or did something that you later regretted. If so, you’re not alone. Reacting is a natural human instinct, and it can often lead to negative consequences. As we evolve as compassionate humans, it is our challenge to learn how to respond well.

Let’s explore the difference between reacting and responding, and how to use the Positive Intelligence (PQ) sage perspectives to help you respond more effectively in challenging situations.

What is the difference between reacting and responding?

Reactions are automatic, impulsive responses to a situation. They’re often based on our emotions, and they’re not always well-thought-out. Responses, on the other hand, are intentional and thoughtful. They’re based on our values, goals, and understanding of the situation.

Here’s a simple way to remember the difference:

Reactions are driven by emotions. They’re quick, impulsive, and often based on fear or anger.
Responses are driven by values. They’re slower, more deliberate, and often based on a desire to achieve a positive outcome.

Why is it important to respond instead of react?

There are several reasons why it’s important to respond instead of react. First, reacting can often lead to negative consequences. When we react, we’re not thinking clearly, and we’re more likely to say or do something that we later regret. For example, if we’re feeling angry and we react by yelling at someone, we’re more likely to damage the relationship.

Second, reacting can prevent us from achieving our goals. When we’re reacting, we’re not focused on what we want to achieve. We’re focused on our emotions, and we’re more likely to make decisions that are based on those emotions, rather than on our goals. For example, if we’re feeling stressed and we react by procrastinating on a work project, we’re less likely to achieve our goal of completing the project on time. See previous post Procrastination: An Illogical Coping Mechanism in which I outline the neuroscience behind procrastination as an emotional response.

Third, reacting can damage our relationships. When we react, we’re not communicating effectively. We’re not listening to the other person, and we’re not trying to understand their perspective. We’re just trying to get our point across, and we’re more likely to say things that are hurtful or damaging.

How can we use the positive intelligence sage perspectives to respond more effectively?

The positive intelligence sage perspectives can help us to understand and respond to challenging situations more effectively. These perspectives are:

Empathize – Feeling and showing appreciation, compassion, and forgiveness for yourself and others.
Explore – Generating curiosity, openness, and wonder for deeper understanding and/or to allow for various options. Explore is about discovering what is.
Innovate – Inventing what isn’t, what has yet to be created – a new perspective.
Navigate – Choosing between potential paths based on deeply held values and that which gives your life meaning and purpose – discovering alignment.
Activate – Proceeding with mental and emotional clarity based on all previous discovery of sage perspectives. (Chamine, 2016)

When we use the positive intelligence sage perspectives, we’re more likely to respond instead of react. We’re more likely to take the time to understand the situation, the other person’s perspective, the alignment of the challenge to our values, and to move toward achieving our goals.

How can we learn to respond rather than react? Here are a few tips:

Take a deep breath – or several. When we feel ourselves being activated, the first thing we should do is take a deep breath. This helps to calm the body and mind and provides a moment to think before responding.
Assess what you are feeling. Once you’ve calmed down, take a moment to ask yourself why you’re feeling the way you are. What is it about the situation that is activating you? Once you understand the root of your emotion, you can start to address it.
Align with your values. Once you understand why you’re feeling the way you are, you can start to choose a response that is in line with your values. What do you want to achieve in this situation? What kind of person do you want to be? Choose a response that will help you to achieve your goals and live in alignment with your values.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you’re struggling to respond to a situation in a healthy way, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Talk to a trusted friend, family member, coach, or therapist. They can offer you support and guidance as you learn to respond rather than react.

By following these tips, you can learn to respond instead of react, and you will create a more positive and fulfilling life. You will feel better! These tips and adopting a sage perspective from the PQ model ensure the time needed to fully assess a situation and choose the best course of action. When you feel the urge to react, slip into sage mode and choose any combination of the PQ sage perspectives to inform your perspective and grow your ability to respond well.

This takes time and practice and is a skill that is worth developing. All areas of your life will benefit. You can improve relationships, achieve goals, and reduce stress. Take the respond challenge and celebrate each day, each week, the times in which you consciously responded well, preventing a reaction.