Self-Love for Leaders
By Terre Short
The word love has many meanings. In some countries there are different words to represent various forms of love. I believe a form of love exists in thriving organizations. Giving love to another, in the form of hearing what is in their heart; positively reinforcing their actions; supporting them to do their best work, be their best self, hinges on your sense of love. You get to decide how you allow love to influence your words and actions, how it takes form in your world.
When I was sixteen, I waited one night for my mother to return home from playing bingo, so I could hug her and tell her I loved her. We had never had such an exchange. Although it did not go exactly as I’d imagined, my embrace was not returned, and my mother had no response for me. It was a step in the right direction. It was a step toward my own self-love, and reinforcement for her sense of love. We have expressed our love for each other freely for decades now.
Since I typically write about leadership, you may be wondering how love is connected. We speak more freely about fear than love in the workplace. This is apparent when we consider a lack of psychological safety, or fear-based performance conversations, or even competitive incentives, and the delivery of annual evaluations. Where is the love in any of these common challenges?
Over the years, I have contemplated what makes one feel lovable, and how social, cultural, and family norms inform expressions of love. My mother grew up the youngest of seven (now known to be nine), in a fractured family. Her parents’ heritage valued stoicism. Knowing this has helped me understand how love is nurtured and expands. I have found that the love you are prepared to give is relative to the love you hold in your heart. I now know that regardless of childhood experiences and cultural norms, self-love can be cultivated.
Self-love is often confused with self-compassion. They are related yet have distinct differences. Self-love is about having a positive, accepting relationship with yourself and recognizing your inherent worth. It’s like being your own good friend who appreciates and values you unconditionally. This includes accepting both your strengths and your weaknesses while maintaining healthy boundaries and prioritizing your wellbeing.
Self-compassion, as defined by researcher Kristin Neff, is more about how you treat yourself during difficult times. It involves being kind to yourself when you fail or struggle, recognizing that suffering is a shared human experience, and maintaining mindful awareness of your emotions without over-identifying with them. In my experience, those with greater self-love engage easily in self-compassion.
Here are a few keys ways to cultivate self-love:
- Practice positive self-talk.
- Replace harsh inner criticism with supportive, understanding language.
- Speak to yourself as you would a good friend.
- Acknowledge your achievements, no matter how small – everyday.
- Set and maintain healthy boundaries.
- Learn to say “no” when needed.
- Honor your own needs and limits (which requires taking time to identify them in the first place.)
- Remove yourself from situations and relationships that diminish your worth.
- Engage in self-care rituals.
- Develop routines that make you feel nourished and cared for.
- Take time for activities that bring you joy – calendar them routinely.
- Listen to and honor your body’s needs (yes, take a nap!).
- Challenge negative self-beliefs.
- Question self-judgments and bullying internal narratives.
- Seek evidence to the contrary, that negates damaging self-perceptions
- Focus on your growth and progress rather than perfection.
Once you experience consistent self-love, you will be poised to offer love in how you interact with others, even at work. This includes how actively you listen to others; how you candidly share meaningful feedback; how accountable you are, and expect others to be, to the values of the organization; and how authentically you recognize the contributions others make. Those who cultivate self-love own and appreciate the value of their daily efforts.
Upcoming articles will highlight what is different when love leads. I will highlight organizations where love is overtly embraced as a guiding principle. It is not a value assumed to be embedded in other values such as integrity, compassion, or empathy, as is often the case. We will explore what occurs when love informs how the individuals of an organization relate to each other and the work they do.
Once again, in sharing this message, I find myself feeling the apprehension I felt waiting to tell my mother I loved her, and the concern I had for how she would respond. I am as confident now as I was then that the timing is right, and that those who are ready will relate and engage in the conversation. Leading from a place of love, and fostering an environment that honors love-based approaches, requires self-love first. I invite you to review the list above frequently and join me on this journey.
References:
Kristin Neff – Neff, K. D. (2023). Self-Compassion: Theory, Method, Research, and Intervention. Annual Review of Psychology, 74:193-217.
A Loving Organization – https://www.alovingorganization.com/
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Terre Short is a best-selling author, executive leadership coach, dynamic speaker and learning experience creator who connects from her heart. Visit ThrivingLeaderCollaborative.com to learn more.
